Do you ever read a book that absolutely rips your heart out and guts you? I feel like “book” is too minuscule a word for something that can create such an experience within oneself.
One day, someday, I’d really like things to go my way. I think I’m going on almost 5 years now that things just haven’t worked out. It has made me angry, sad, spiteful and caused so many headaches. I don’t know what to do next.
The world is on fire. It’s been burning for awhile now. First I used sarcasm, then my anxiety got the best of me. Now I think I’ve reached the point of numbness. My shifts have been cut in half at work, I expect they’ll be cut to nothing within a week. I guess I’ll just curl up with my homework and my switch lite and see what happens.
Should I speak the day to day
keep my mind from crumbling in decay
Or speak of the daydreams
That can be sweet as tea
On a hot southern day
I login daily but never quite know what to write. So many things that could be written but nothing that makes any sense. Maybe someday it’ll come to me.
I’ve been spiraling. It’s one of those times I can feel it happening, but instead of stopping it or riding it out, I keep on pushing it, maybe to see how far I can take it. I’m getting close to the cusp though, I can feel it.
I traveled back north recently. I’d almost forgotten how beautiful it is when I get into the woods and lake country. Growing up in big cities I never expected to enjoy the solitude that abounds up there, but I find that I miss it more every day. I’m counting down the hours until I can escape there next week, and hopeful that more opportunities arise to bring me back more often.
Music has a way with me. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m losing my shit, a song gets stuck in my head for days, or, more often a song is associated with a memory. Most times it doesn’t matter if it’s a good or bad memory, if that memory is attached to a song…. I’m damn near a mess. Lately, I’ve been more mess than not. But even being a mess, I’ve found myself gravitating to those songs, and new songs as well, that stir all the feelings up.
Songs (feelings) of the moment:
Just Exist– Eliza & The Delusionals
Small Town Heroes– Hurray For The Riff Raff
Feel Something– Bea Miller
Wicked Game– Theory of a Deadman
Whiskey & You– Chris Stapleton
Missing You– Ingrid Michaelson
Never Say Never– Tristan Prettyman
Pa’lante– Hurray For The Riff Raff
Amnesia– 5 Seconds of Summer
Home– Foo Fighters
I am so tired.
Love & americanos 