Everything comes crashing in all at once. The good, the bad, the in between. Usually it feels as though the bad outweigh the good, sometimes by more then double. That’s when you really feel the pressure. I want so badly for the good to fucking win this time. It’s got to happen sometime.
Place your head on my beating heart.
I wrote this a few nights ago when I wasn’t feeling… well, when I wasn’t feeling good about much of anything. I wasn’t going to post it at all, but writing is writing.
Let me lay life out for you.
It’s fun while you’re young, play outside, play inside, snack time and toys. It’s not a lie when they tell you to never grow up.
Then you hit the teens, things are still pretty amazing. Sure there is drama and homework, but none of that ends up mattering in the end.
Graduation. What a fucking feeling! Nothing can stop us now!
College…. feels like a badass fucking time to be alive! Either killing it in class, or killing your liver, it all feels good.
Look out, here comes life….
It’s going to fucking hit you in the face. Rattle your brain, maybe knock out a few teeth. Bills, “love”, society knocking you down because you don’t have the right appendage. Or the right face, the rights words. The right needs or wants for a life to live happily. You have to fight all the time. Even when you get one thing right, another brick comes crashing through. Time to fight something else…
And then you die.
There it is. Good fucking luck.
Damn. I thought I was an emotional disaster a few weeks back. I had no idea how many more levels of emotional disaster I could still climb.
There’s something wrong with me and I don’t know what. I’m tired of being on the edge of losing my shit most days. I keep losing it enough each night.
I’ve spent the last 5 years not shedding a tear. Not letting my emotions move beyond a set line. Letting so very few peek out when necessary and then shoving it all back inside. Now it all creeps out farther then I want it to. The thoughts, the tears, everything.
Tomorrow. A day of coffee and packing. That’s the goal. Tuesday, a new job. Hopefully by Wednesday there will be more and better job options. Along with more packing and moving. It’s past time to be on my way.
I’ve started fresh so many times in life. I’m good at that it seems.
Fingers crossed for what’s to come, I’ve a feeling this time will be the best yet.
Home isn’t home anymore, and I’m okay with that. It hasn’t felt that way in some time.
Its too quiet, too tense and apparently too full of lies from long ago I wasn’t even aware of until now. I knew before now I had made the right choice, but that doesn’t mean learning so much of a previous life was a bold faced lie hurts any less.
I had a mid-week getaway. I needed it. I wish I could get away again already. Hell, I wished that as I reversed out of the parking space Friday afternoon. So many reasons to start again.
I should have split this into 2 posts. The good vs. the bad. But I need the good to outweigh the bad in life for once. It’s got to work that way at some point, otherwise, what the fuck are we all doing here anyway?
I feel like so much has changed in the last week. It was changing long before but really pushed to the front this week. It’s looking to be a good change, hell, an amazing change. Let’s see where it leads…
Night is always the hardest. Why is that? It’s generally my favorite part of those 24 hours each day, but when your world is changing, whether for good or for bad, night is always the hardest.
I spend too much of my day with too many questions and what if’s running through my brain. I should be allowed to shut it off at night. But instead it just intensifies. The possibilities and directions get more outlandish. The happy endings seem farther and farther away.
I need something to work out. Something to happen. Something to point me in a direction, something to go good for once, to be fucking amazing. To matter. To last. To not be so fucking hard. To not take everything from me, while only giving a quarter back.
Listen.
Things are moving along. As is typical with my life and thought process, it’s not going nearly as quickly as I prefer. But that is just the way I am wired I guess. The speed of things doesn’t matter nearly as much as what will be when the time is here. I keep reminding myself of that.
I’ve spent parts of the last few nights deep diving into some badass poetry that is seriously giving me the feels. One of the authors I’ve been reading had this posted in their Instagram…
Maybe this is why I have a hard time being patient. 😂
But I’ll do it, I am doing it. Patience is possible (though not easy) when what you’re looking forward to has the ability to be amazing.
Love & americanos 