I’ve been in my head a lot lately. Lots of memories, ideas, questions, and emotions going on in there. I do wish that for just one little moment my life would make sense. That I would know what to do, to say, which direction to go.
That’s not going to fucking happen anytime soon.
So for now:
205 words written. Not many but I got the opening out of my head finally.
I’m writing a novel.
It’s something I’ve always thought about doing but never acted on. Books have always been my escape, for as long as I can remember I have picked up a book to calm my mind and clear my head. Or, to fill my head with something that wasn’t my life. I’m grateful that my family were avid readers and pushed me to read whatever I wanted as often as I liked.
I think that because of this I’ve always had an active imagination. When I couldn’t sleep, or found class too dull to keep my attention I would instead withdraw into some story I made up in my head. Sometimes I would replay the same story for months on end, changing small details to better suit what I enjoyed at the time. Other times it would change daily depending on my mood. I still do this often when I can’t sleep at night. Lay in bed and tell myself a story. It’s calming.
I’ve recently been reminded by an old friend that at one point in my life I was occasionally creative. That I played with the notion of being a famous author. That maybe I should sit down and actually do it.
So here goes…
Life has been a bit chaotic lately. Things I thought wouldn’t happen did happen. Plans and goals I had for my work life have gone out the window. Nerve and muscle problems have cropped up. Hey, whats up world, is this limbo? I keep trying to go along with these changes, do something new, start fresh, or even just hang on to whats left… but I am dragging.
So, I do this thing. In every aspect of my life. I start something, legit, just START it, and then I stress over it. My anxiety over it doesn’t go away. For example, in November 2016 I set up this blog. I went through all the set up procedures, paid the cost of the start-up, and then continued to stare at the homepage every day. Without writing an introductory post. Without saying hello. I stressed about what I would blog about. All of the “how-tos” kept saying to make a niche, and find your topic. I had no freaking idea what my niche was, I still don’t! So after 6 months of staring at my unfinished first blog post, I decided– Screw it. I don’t need a niche, I’m just going to be me. I have lots of interests, and lots of things I start and never finish, I have so much random knowledge, and so much that I still want to know. I also have anxieties and stressful moments, and I really don’t have the slightest idea what I am doing with my life. So, I’m just going to let it all roll. Maybe I won’t figure out a damn thing while doing this. But, for now, that’s just fine by me.
Edit: I did it again. I wrote this 2 weeks ago, and then just let it sit there. It’s time to stop this. Finally posted: June 12, 2017
It’s time to begin.
Love & americanos 