It’s been awhile but life has been hectic. Lots of work and driving. Lots of emotions and questions. So…. basically not much is different. I’m enjoying my time in the north. I’m looking forward to what’s to come, to see what there can be. It’s got to be amazing, right? I think so.
I clicked on the following article with the thought process being along the lines of, “Yea, sure, we’ll see how accurate this is.”
It’s dead spot 100% on how I go through life on a day to day basis. Sure there are things not on the list that I know I think and do occasionally, but what they did include on the list… not a single one is false.
Anxiety is hard man.
Sometimes it’s too quiet.
I’m not used to being alone as much as I have these last 2 weeks. I’m alone in my car driving to and fro. I’m alone at the apartment. Even when I’m at work, surrounded by people, none of them know me, so really I’m alone then too.
It’s just so damn quiet.
Today has been one hell of a day. Actually, I’ll just put the whole week as one hell of a week. I’ve spent every day working shifts followed by packing. Interspersed with trips to the urgent care and the ophthalmologist due to an eye infection that has swelled up my left eye and blurred my vision. All with no insurance so I’m definitely looking forward to that bill arriving.
I took the last 2 evenings off from packing to spend 1 on 1 time with my Izzy pup. This morning I had to take my sweet girl to the vet to be put to sleep. 14 years of her being my ride or die sidekick was her limit. Every time I walk in the house I look around for her to come running. I think it will be a while before I stop doing that.
I miss her already.
I started my day out stressed beyond measure. It took until about 8:30pm to come down enough to accomplish much and feel good about where I am. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like there isn’t enough time for me to accomplish nearly everything I need to do, that the budget is much tighter then I’m comfortable with. But there is no time like now. I kept waiting for things to line up that never did, and now they have. Quicker then expected after having waited so long, but I’m just glad they finally did.
The time is getting closer. More boxes are packed, one job lined up, one job’s resignation submitted. Apartment on hold, now it’s just fine tuning the timeline and working out the logistics of moving. I’m going to have to rent a uhaul…. but when?
Stuck. That’s how I feel at the moment. I get things almost set up, one tiny glitch left, and that little glitch refuses to right itself. Everyone wants to know the plan. I’ve lost track of the amount of people that have asked. When I lay my plan out, no matter which plan it is, people don’t think it’s good enough. Or that it’ll work. Then two days later turn around and ask me why I don’t seem to believe in myself anymore. It’s fucking hard to believe in yourself when everyone else keeps cutting you down. Can’t talk to anyone, every body has their own shit. Everyone always has their own shit. I don’t understand why I’m the only person who ever has the time to be there for other people.
Maybe I should just quit fighting it. All of it. All of the people, and all the shit they think about me. About what I should do with my life. Just give in. Just stay where I am, a shit job with all the risks and no rewards. A life that doesn’t have a direction, a home, or apparently a future.
Got one job offer. Of course it’s the part time one. It is however much closer to where I need to be if option 1 is to become something.
I wish I could take people’s pain away. I feel like everyone I know is going through so much right now, and I don’t know how to help them. I just hope they all know, I’m here.
Everything comes crashing in all at once. The good, the bad, the in between. Usually it feels as though the bad outweigh the good, sometimes by more then double. That’s when you really feel the pressure. I want so badly for the good to fucking win this time. It’s got to happen sometime.
Place your head on my beating heart.
Love & americanos 