As is typical for my life, this week didn’t go as planned. I didn’t get the call I had been waiting for that would put me one step closer to where I want to be. I felt so defeated the day I found out, and for most of the day after. It took some texts from an amazing and patient person, and a day of binging Netflix to crawl out of that little brain suck I was in. I’ve had a few moments where the defeat comes creeping back in, but I’m trying to push it all out, be patient, and know that once these last few things fall into place, it will all work out. No time to give up, there’s too much still to come.
Fuck.
I know it’s not quite the end of the day, but fuck…. the day just needs to be done. Some days I swear it seems like nothing is possible. I’m just so fucking tired.
One step closer. A couple big steps to go. I’ve been waiting for a phone call that will, fingers crossed, cut another step off the list. Come on phone, just ring.
Slowly getting my life in order. Making changes that will be hard, but are for the better.
I’m not a patient person. I never have been, but I am giving it everything I’ve got to do things the right way. I’m tired of waiting, but I know if we can hold out a bit longer, it’s going to be fucking amazing.
Time to stray off course…
I’ve been working on another poem. The title of which is the same as this blog post. I thought I was done with it, but then while I was sick and feeling like I was going to die yesterday I decided it had more to give. So once I’m back to feeling closer to 100% better there should be a new bit of reading up.
In the meantime, I’m running behind on prep for my interview tomorrow, still need to do laundry and figure out exactly where the business is located. Considering the time it has taken me to drink a glass of water and eat a half piece of toast…. this could get interesting.
I’m ready for a weekend away.
I keep waiting for things to sort themselves out. I’ve laid out the options, made myself clear, but I can’t even tell what’s clear to me at this point. I’ve never been the one to cause others pain, at least not on purpose. I’ve been told my faults are that I give too much, that I don’t save anything for myself. That instead of building myself, I build everyone around me. I do this because I want everyone else to be happy, as if their happiness will make mine. I know that’s not how the world works. Not completely. Because in order to make those around me happy, I don’t do the things that could make me happy. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. I guess I don’t know how to be happy.
I definitely haven’t been writing any more of the novel lately. But I have found myself, usually right before bed, writing poems again. Nothing big and bright and exciting, they could all use a bit of work but it does feel good to be writing anything again at this point. Either way, I’ll take it.
When sleep finally comes
When dreams have taken over
Life is easier
The hard choices are made
There is no what if
Only what is
The Darkness of sleep
Frightening for some
Brings out the moon
The light and dark side of you
It’s a work in progress.
While things in life are a little (a lot?) jacked up like always, sometimes I do get a little spark of something. In this instance, right before bed. I jotted it down and went to bed. Wishing I had finished it when I started, but it’s something to work on.
Then tonight I stumbled upon this photo/quote on Pinterest (yes, I am all about killing time on Pinterest/reddit/buzzfeed/etc.)
I’m finding it rather fitting.
I’ve restarted this post so many times that I’ve lost count. It’s not that I have nothing to say, it’s that I have so much to say. Currently with no coherent thought process with which to say it. Words just can’t seem to cover it all.
Love & americanos 